Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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