I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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