My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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