There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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