I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
being pregnant is like rehab
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
