I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
