sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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