how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
