That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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