Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
