You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
