matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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