I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
