He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
