The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
