I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
