Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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