then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
