I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
