When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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