Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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