i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Found the puke drawer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
