u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
