I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
