I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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