I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
