i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
