bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
