I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
