Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
