If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
