The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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