i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
