You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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