"it" just moved
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
