I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
