so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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