he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
