remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she told me i tasted like america
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
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