I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
