Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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