by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
