We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
