Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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