I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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