I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
