I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
