I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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