"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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