Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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