I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
