Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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