using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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