Pappa wants mamma naked
my shit smells like andre
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
