You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
