I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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