I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
